Sunday, February 19, 2006

The feeling of hopelessness is heavy with me tonight. I am researching kidney disease and chronic renal failure so I will know what to expect. I was reading in lisaviolet's diary about her recent loss of DeeJay. She had a photo taken on the morning of the last day of his life. It was so sad because it reminded me of my last photos of Rosie and Newt as thin, tired cats, those pictures I took in an effort to hang on to them just a while longer. Now I look at those photos and know that I did the right thing in letting them go. But it was so hard.

I can't do this--I can't watch Dinky who is so vital and bouncy turn into a worn-out old cat.

Maybe I should say I don't want to do it--but I have no choice. As much as it breaks my heart, I will stand by and support and love her as she faces her final journey. It's just that it happens again and again--the bright little kittens turn into old cats and fade away, seemingly before my eyes. Johnny and Lucy and Newt and Rosie...on and on in a chain going back to Kisa. Their lives are like flowers, so ephemeral as to be gone in a flash.

The hardest thing is knowing that I have a houseful of cats--each one an incipient heartache--and I will face this again and again and again. Dinky and Punkin and Molly and Bunny and Frieda and Cissy... I want to freeze time and live forever in this moment, untouchable by age or decay. There is no help for it. It is the price I pay for their love. And I am glad to have their love and their light in my life. I wouldn't trade any of them for the world (well--maybe Twitch...) Tomorrow I will feel braver, better. Tomorrow I can face the day.

But it's just--sometimes it is so hard...

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